3 years, ago my life changed abruptly, I got married and shortly after I got pregnant. I am the type who wants everything pre-planned. Spontaneity isn't my strong suit. I didn't take it easy. I had a plan, 2 years after our wedding before we even think of getting pregnant. An idea that went down the drain very quickly. I was scared for most of the pregnancy, terrified of this new waters. A voice in my head keeps saying "I can't be a Mom.", "I am not mother material.", "I am going to suck at this.", "Oh, the poor child has me as a mother! What a shame." I was always, talking my self down, feeding my fear each day.
Pregnancy is not a walk in the park, both physically and especially emotionally. A complicated pregnancy didn't help either.
This motherhood thing is a strange thing to me. I have not given it thought before; I always feel like I was never going to be ready. How can any woman be prepared for this phase of her life? I still wonder. I know I have been blessed; it's just that I was lost. I wasn't sure how am I going to handle this blessing, this responsibility. I was going to be responsible for a life growing inside of me.
I was fearful of many things. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to take care of a child. I wasn't sure my body could cope with the changes that were happening, with the complications I had, I knew it wasn't dealing well. I fear of silly little things, that could happen. But at the same time, I found out strength I didn't know I had. Like in the early stage of pregnancy, I would have never thought I can survive the almost hourly trip to the bathroom throwing up each food or drinks I take in, therefore, keeping me always starving, how can a person survive that!? Then the birth came, oh my God, the pain, Jesus the pain. I ache just thinking about the labour, the contractions, the actual pushing of a person out of me. My God! How? How can a body survive that process? Science. Miracle. Divine intervention. All of the above.
I earned my stripe. Physically and emotionally, I know I am stronger, I am better. But at the same time, I am more vulnerable. My daughter has become my strength and my weakness. Another great mystery, how can someone give you all the power and equally take all that power away. For her, I can, and I will do anything. With all the life in me, I will do everything for this little person. All I need is to see a smile on her face, all the sacrifice, hardship and pain I know it is worth it. For when I see a sliver of pain in her eyes, my world gets shattered. Hence I made it my life mission to keep this child safe, secure and happy.
I am a Mom. It happened quite abruptly, and I wasn't ready. But if you'll ask me now, you can never be fully prepared for motherhood. It is an overwhelming experience, and it changes you. It changes your life completely. I am still fearful; however, I know that all the things that I am afraid of are nothing compared to the love I have for her.
My love of this tiny human is the force that drives me. All the sleepless night, the struggles and all the sacrifice, it's all for her. My greatest WHY.